The Engagement

The proposal | A Favorable Replay | Parents’ Consent | Announcing the Engagement | The Press Announcement | Divorced Parents | Dead Parents | Notes
| The Congratulatory Reply | The Engagement Party | family Etiquette | The Engagement Ring | Gifts for Fiancee | The Long Engagement | The Broken Engagement | A Letter of Condolence

In Victorian days it was necessary for a man to approach the father or guardian of his prospective fiancee before he could ask the girl herself. Nowadays many young couples announce their engagement without consulting their parents in any way. Despite this, etiquette demands that a proposal be made in the correct manner.

The man first approaches his girl and makes his proposal to her. The proposal may be made verbally or in writing, but a verbal proposal is obviously best. In some circum­stances a written proposal is unavoidable, as in the following example:
Hurst Cottage,
Hillfield Avenue,
Barnes, S.W.13.
Rose Darling,
Before leaving for London I hoped for the opportunity of a few words with you.  
However I was unlucky.

The subject on which I wanted to speak was one concerning you and me alone. Since it may be weeks before I see you again, I must try to put into writing the secret I wish to share with you. I expect you have already guessed what I am going to say, because I don't think I have been able to hide my feelings towards you. The truth is I love you, and shall pass a very miserable couple of days until you tell me whether you care for me or can give me any hope that, at some future time, you will agree to marry me. If you can answer " Yes," do so at the earliest possible moment, but if not, don't be too hasty in your decision, and give me the benefit of every doubt; in fact, give me a chance to show how great is my love for you.

If you can give me even a ray of hope, I'll do anything you wish. I'll master my impatience and wait as long as you please, and in the meantime I'll work hard to prepare a home for you.

Don't keep me waiting long for an answer, as my impatience will be almost unbearable.
Your devoted, Robert

A Favourable Reply

Ridgmont, Forest Hill,
Yorkshire.
My Dear Robert,

Your letter was quite a surprise, a very agreeable one, I admit, and knowing how you will be feeling about things, I wish to let you have my answer as soon as possible. It is difficult to collect one's thoughts at a time like this, and I hardly know how to put my thoughts on paper.

I must tell you frankly that, for a long time now, I have liked you and indeed thought very highly of you, and, when it became obvious that you were interested in me, I prayed I might be worthy of you. I'm glad we have known each other so long, for marriage is a big step to take.

I feel I can safely and honestly say " Yes '' to the question your letter asks.

With all my love,
Yours ever, Rose
— and the Mans
Hurst Cottage,
Hillfield Avenue,
Barnes, S.W.13.
My Darling Rose,

Your letter has lifted such a burden from my mind. While waiting for your answer I allowed myself to get worked up into such a state of nerves that my outlook was pessimistic in the extreme. I kept on telling myself that it was impossible that you could care for me.

What a change your letter has made I Life is indeed worth living. I am the luckiest and happiest man alive ! How I wish I could thank you personally for this great happiness you have given me, but unfortunately business will not allow me to leave London for some weeks yet. I shall come up to Forest Hill at the earliest possible moment, and shall count the hours until I see you again.

Write as often as you can, for I shall anxiously watch each post.
Your loving,
Robert

Providing the girl accepts, the man then approaches her father and asks his consent. Again, a personal interview is best, but a letter may be sent instead. If the girl's father is dead, the man asks the consent of the girl's mother, or, failing that, of her guardian.
A letter asking for an interview might be worded as follows:

18 Coronation Road,
Margate.
Dear Mr. Jenkins,

You are probably aware that yesterday I asked Joan to marry me. I am delighted to say that she has said that she will be my wife, subject to your approval.

I now write to ask your consent to our engagement, and to our marriage in the near future. I am in a good position (state position, salary and prospects). I am 25 years of age, in excellent health, and can satisfy you and Mrs. Jenkins as to my character.

I expect you know that I have admired Joan for many months now. She tells me that she has loved me for some time past, so we are taking no hurried or reckless steps.

You and Mrs. Jenkins have always been so kind that I hope you will grant me an interview, when I may state my case a great deal more easily than I can in this letter.

Hoping that you will consent to our engagement. I remain,

With kind regards,
Yours very truly,
Timothy Smith

Providing that the parent is satisfied as to the man's character, financial position and prospects, and gives his consent, all is well, but even if consent is refused, the couple are still at liberty to marry.

If consent is refused, the girl must either break the engage­ment or marry in opposition to her parents.

If she decides to marry without her parents' approval, the girl must inform them when and where the wedding is to take place. It is better for her to refuse to give a promise not to marry, than to give her word and then break it.

Although the consent of the parent is not legally necessary for the engagement, it is best to obtain it, if at all possible. If the girl is under twenty-one at the time of the marriage her parents can refuse to agree to the ceremony, and although it is possible to make an appeal to a court, this can only result in a great deal of embarrassing publicity for all parties.

ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT

The first step towards getting married is the formal announcement of the engagement. There are several ways in which it can be announced—publicly, in the Press; personally, by means of notes; and verbally, at an engage­ment party—or by all three means.

THE PRESS ANNOUNCEMENT

The press announcement should be worded somewhat as follows:

BROOKMAN—WALTERS

An engagement is announced, and a marriage will shortly take place, between Alan Everett Brookman, son of Mr. and Mrs. S. Brookman, of 18, Pont Square, Westminster, and Rosemary Ann, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. J. Walters, of Oak Cottage, Bramfield, Gloucester.

Both surnames are sometimes omitted, or the terms "only son", "second son", "elder son", "younger son", or "eldest son", in the case of the man; and "youngest daughter", "younger daughter", "elder daughter", "only daughter" or "second daughter" in the case of the girl, included.
In the event of either or both parties being widowed, this would be indicated in the announcement, e.g.:

The engagement is announced between Alan Everett Brookman (widower), of 18, Pont Square,Westminster, and Rosemary Ann Smith (widow of the late Commander John Smith, R.N.), of Oak Cottage, Bramfield, Gloucester.

The surname of the fiance* is always given if he holds commissioned rank in one of the Services, together with his rank, e.g.: Commander John Pelham, R.N., or Lieut.-Colonel Alan Everett Brookman, The Rifle Brigade. In the case of an army officer, his regiment is added. Titles and awards may be mentioned.

An announcement of this kind would be suitable for the " Forthcoming Marriages " columns of The Times or Daily Telegraphy but a longer announcement might be sent to the local newspapers concerned, mentioning the schools attended by the engaged couple, their family background, businesses, etc.

Divorced Parents

Where the parents of the bridegroom are divorced, the wording of the announcement could be as follows:

The engagement is announced between Alan Everett Brook man, son of Mr. S. Brookman of 18, Pont Square, Westminster, and Mrs. Brookman of Dublin, and Rosemary Ann, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. J. Walters, of Oak Cottage, Bramfield, Gloucester.

Where the bride s parents are divorced, the situation is necessarily more complicated. Sometimes in such cases, the engagement is announced by only one parent. This is quite wrong, for the names of both parents must appear in the announcement. A divorced parent's name might be omitted, if, for example, the bride was adopted by her step-father and bore his name. In this case the engagement would be announced by the mother and step-father.

Dead Parents

If the bride's mother is dead, the newspaper announcement will refer to " the late Mrs. Walters ". If neither parent is living, another relative—an aunt or uncle—or perhaps a guardian will announce the engagement, in which case the bride will be the daughter of " the late Mr. and Mrs. J. Walters ". If the bride's father has remarried, the " late " Mrs. Walters is not mentioned, as the stepmother takes her place. In this case, Mr. and Mrs. J. Walters would announce the engagement of " Mr. Walters's daughter "

NOTES

The engagement may be announced by means of notes written to relatives and friends, before or instead of an announcement in the Press or at a party.

In this case the prospective husband and wife should compile a list of all friends and relatives who are to be notified, and then write a brief note to each.

This note might be worded as follows:
Oakfields,
Burslem.
My Dear Aunt,

Since last I wrote, a very important event has taken place. Last night Jack asked me to be his wife, and I consented, and now we are engaged!

Jack is a very nice man. He is tall and good-looking, has charming manners, and has (he says) loved me "for years". But you have met him, haven't you? I am too excited to write any more now, so,

With love to Uncle,
Your affectionate niece, Dorothy
It is usual for friends to congratulate only the man, but an aunt might congratulate the girl without impropriety.

To the Bride
Whitby Lodge,
Harrow.
My Dearest Dorothy,

May I congratulate you with all my heart upon your engage­ment. Jack is certainly a charming man, and I think you are a very fortunate girl to have secured such a good husband. Where do you intend to settle down ?

Tell me all about it when you write—and soon, for we are anxious to hear how it happened. Uncle Ted sends his kindest regards to you, and wishes you every happiness, now and in the future. With all my heart, I enter into your happiness, and remain ever, dearest

Your loving aunt, Kate

Another Example
1, The Greenway,
Stockington.
Dear Dorothy,

We are not surprised but we are certainly delighted to hear your good news.  Jack is a fine—and very lucky!—man. We send you both every good wish for your future happiness.

Yours sincerely,
Eileen and Ken
To the Bridegroom
Leyton Lodge,
N. Finchley.
Dear Jack,

Allow me to be among the first to congratulate you upon your engagement to Dorothy Hopkins. We are very pleased to think that you have the prospect of so much happiness before you.
We know your fiancee, and can heartily compliment you upon your choice.
The girls are excited about the news, and want to know when 1' the event " is to be. My wife will write for herself and the girls, but I cannot resist the temptation of personally sending my good wishes.

Yours sincerely,
Edgar Duffield
A More Intimate Letter
Moss dale,
Bickley.
My Dear Jack,

I am really delighted to hear of your engagement, and hasten to send you my warm congratulations. The longer I live, the more certain I am that married life is best!
My wife would like to call at once on your fiancee, and I hope you will bring her to lunch and introduce her to us at the earliest possible moment, so that I can congratulate her in person upon the admirable judgment she has shown in her choice of a husband.

Yours ever,
Walter Lowe

It is important to remember to post all the notes announcing the engagement at the same time.

THE  ENGAGEMENT  PARTY

The engagement party is given by the parents of the girl. It may take the form of a luncheon, tea, dinner or buffet-supper.

For a formal evening party, written invitations should be sent. The engaged couple should draw up the invitation list with the assistance of their respective parents.

The party may be a small one, with only a few close friends present, or it may be a large one, and include friends of the parents.

At the party, the health of the happy couple is proposed by the girl's father. In his absence, a friend can do this. The fiance* proposes the health of the parents.

No other toasts are necessary.

FAMILY ETIQUETTE

If the two families are not well known to one another, the parents of the groom should call on the fiancee's parents soon after the engagement has been announced, preferably within twenty-four hours. In the event of the families living at a distance from one another, a meeting should be arranged as soon as possible. If the groom's parents are no longer living, the visit should be made by some other member of his family, or his guardian, and should be returned by the bride and her mother or father, within three days.

THE ENGAGEMENT RING

The custom of the groom giving an engagement ring is very old, dating back hundreds of years. The bride-to-be usually selects the ring, but sometimes the groom presents her with a family ring or heirloom. The engagement ring is not worn publicly until the engagement is announced.

The ring is presented as soon as possible after the engage­ment is agreed, and the fiancee wears it on the third finger of her left hand. Until the wedding ring is added, only the engagement ring should be worn there.

The man will sometimes buy the ring in advance, hand it to the girl, and abide by her decision as to whether or not she accepts it: if she does accept it, they are automatically engaged. Again, he may produce the ring as soon as he receives a favourable reply to his proposal. However, it is best for the girl to have an opportunity of selecting the ring she likes best, after the engagement is agreed.

A diamond ring is chosen in most cases, but sometimes the girl will prefer a birth-stone. The months of the year are represented by different birthstones:

Month                     Birth-stone                      Meaning
January                    Garnets                           Constancy
February                  Amethysts           Sincerity
March                      Bloodstones                    Courage
April                        Diamonds                       Purity
May                         Emeralds                         Hope
June                         Pearls or Agates              Health
July                          Rubies                            Passion
August                     Sardonyx                        Married Happiness
September               Sapphires                        Repentance
October                   Opals                              A Lovable Nature
November               Topaz                            Cheerfulness
December               Turquoise                     Unselfishness
or Lapis Lazuli

In some countries the custom in this respect differs. The above classification is followed in Britain and the United States, and is known as the " Polish Code ".

Although most girls think a great deal of an engagement ring, it is not essential, and a girl might agree to forgo the expense, in order to save money for the wedding and the setting up of a home. On the other hand, if the girl has money, she may give the man an engagement present—a cigarette case, tie-pin or cuff-links.

If the man's means are limited, he can arrange beforehand with the jeweller for a suitable selection of engagement rings to be produced when he and his fiancee enter the shop.

GIFTS FOR THE FIANCEE

When a man is saving up for the wedding, the girl should not allow him to spend money unnecessarily on presents, unless, of course, he is a man of means.

She should not allow him to buy her clothes. Flowers, confectionery and books are permissible, but anything that could be constructed as " maintenance "—such as furs or jewellery—is not permissible. The girl should not use the furniture bought for her new home, nor should she live in her new home.

THE LONG ENGAGEMENT

A long engagement should be avoided, unless the engaged couple are very young. A long engagement is a trying nuisance to all the parties concerned.

In many cases it will be found best not to announce an engagement if it must be of a long duration. Friends can be given to understand the position, but the engagement is not formally announced.

THE BROKEN ENGAGEMENT

A broken engagement is an embarrassing ordeal for both parties, but it is better to face such an ordeal than to make a disastrous marriage.

When the engagement is broken, the engagement ring must be returned immediately, and all presents of value should be returned also. However, it is much nicer to write and say that the presents need not be returned.

If any wedding presents have been received by either party, these should be returned with a brief courteous note of explanation. Letters should be returned with a polite note requesting the return of the writer's letters.

Whether or not it is she who really wishes to withdraw, the responsibility for breaking off an engagement should be left to the girl. This is only tactful, as inevitably it is the woman who bears the major part of the gossip which is bound to ensue. A letter from a girl to her fiance*, breaking off their engagement might be as follows:
The Crescent,
Bannow.
My Dear Philip,

I can understand your letter although it was not such as I expected. It is as if you were undecided whether to go or come, which to me means that you wish to go. If so, I certainly have too much self-respect to ask you to remain. You, obviously, do not love me. I have made up your letters and presents into a parcel which will be left at your office to-morrow. When you have time, please return my letters.

Goodbye,
Margaret

If the girl announces the news to her friends, only a brief note is necessary, e.g.:

Dear Eileen,

Since I wrote to you last, Norman and I have decided to end our engagement.   We both felt that it was the right thing to do.

Yours affectionately, Joan

If the engagement is broken before the wedding invitations are issued, and the girl wishes to make a newspaper announce­ment, this might be worded:

The engagement of Alan Everett Brookman, son of Mr. and Mrs. S. Brookman of 18, Pont Square, Westminster, and Rosemary Ann, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. J.Walters, of Oak Cottage, Bramfield, Gloucester, has been broken by mutual consent.

If the engagement is broken after the wedding invitations have been issued, the guests should be notified in good time. It may be necessary to telephone or to send a telegram, but it is preferable to send a card, e.g.:

Mr. and Mrs. John Walters
announce that the marriage of their daughter
Rosemary Ann
with
Mr. Alan Everett Brookman will not take place.

It is important to remember that the above card is sent only to recall wedding invitations, and that an engagement broken before the wedding invitations are issued is never announced in this fashion. Any newspaper announcement would be worded in a similar manner.

If the engagement was announced only to a few intimate friends, a note is sent by the bride's mother, stating that the engagement has been broken.    No explanation is given.

A Letter of Condolence
2,000 Charles Street,
W.I.
My Dear Mary,

As one of your oldest friends I claim the right to sympathize with you in the great trouble you have just sustained—the break­ing off of your engagement.

I must admit that for some time I had felt that you were not as happy as you should have been. I sincerely trust, however, that time will heal your wound, and that we shall find that, as is so often the case, things have turned out for the best. In the mean­time accept my sincerest sympathy and let me know when I may come and have a chat with you.

Yours sincerely,
Rosemary

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